Drink green beer on St Patrick's Day! It counts as a vegetable!
Q: What do you get when you cross a pillowcase with a stone?
A: A sham rock
Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.
Q: What kind of music does a leprechaun band play?
A: Shamrock 'n' roll!
Q: What do you call a diseased Irish criminal?
A: A leper con
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.
Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?
A: Sure, they're green with envy!
O’Connell was staggering home with a small Paddy in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. “Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.
Q. What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine's Day?
A. You're purrr-fect for me!
Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine's Day?A: I'm stuck on you!
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
A smart, handsome and sexy young man dressed in the most sophisticated manner walked into the bar. He noticed a woman staring at him without blinking her eyes with an open mouth. Flattered, he approached the woman and said in his sexiest deep voice - "I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just $20 but on one condition." The woman was trapped in a moment and asked as if in a trance - "What's your condition?" The young man replied, "Tell me your wish in just three words." After a long pause, woman opened her purse, counted the money and handed it to the man along with her address. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, "Clean my house."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS:
1. Too Many Questions.
2. Difficult to Understand.
3. More Explanation is Needed.
A blonde takes an exam!
A blonde reported for her final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the questions for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet, "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half-an-hour she is all done where as the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and says, "What is going on?"
"I finished the exam in half-an-hour. But I'm rechecking my answers."
A student enters the exam room and, without saying a word, places a bottle of whisky on the examiner's desk.
"Satisfactory", the examiner says.
The student takes out a box of chocolates and puts it on the desk.
Then he adds a golden pen.
"Excellent", says the examiner and he marks the student.
"Thank you", says the student and, taking everything on the desk back, he adds:
"Now, may I please be excused but I must go and take my physics exam!"
Student: Great news, teacher says we have a test today come rain or shine.
Classmate: So what's so great about that?
Student: It's snowing outside!
Teacher: You copied from Fred’s exam paper, didn’t you?
Pupil: How did you know?
Teacher: Fred’s paper said "I don’t know" and you put "Me, neither.”!
Teacher: Johnny. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?Little Johnny: Seven!
Father: Why did you get such a low score in that test?
Father: You were absent on the day of the test?
Son: No, but the boy who sits next to me was!
Student (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today.
School Secretary: Who is this?
Student: This is my father speaking!
Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?
Pupil: No teacher, I'm having trouble listening!
Mother: What did you learn in school today?
Son: How to write!
Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet! !
ENGLISH IS A FUNNY LANGUAGE
The Longest Word in English:
Question: What is the longest word in the English language?
Answer: "Smiles". Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!